“Take off your shirt,” he demanded. “Oh no,” I thought. “No, no, no,” I repeated out loud in disbelief while knowing what was about to happen, like watching a car accident happen in slow motion. An hour earlier, he had picked me up, saying that my boyfriend asked him to take me to the party where all the others were. Only it was an empty house. The next thing I knew, he was strangling me. I was unconscious until I felt him slapping me in the face, perhaps afraid he had killed me. And perhaps that was the only reason he stopped what he was doing to my unconscious, shirtless body in unbuttoned pants.
I don’t remember the details of negotiating my way out of there. I was traumatized. Silently, he drove me back to the apartment. Holding a gun to my head, he threatened me not to tell anyone. In 16 years, I had told only one person, my husband, 10 years after the assault.
I didn’t talk about it, because I was ashamed. I felt like it was my fault for hanging out with the “wrong” older crowd. An honors student in college, I felt stupid for letting myself get into the situation in the first place. I suffered in silence, with terrible anxiety, flashbacks, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and panic attacks that still flare up when I hear sexist, objectifying statements or hear men yell vulgarities as they drive by. Even their looks can leave me gasping for air all over again.
It wasn’t until the #MeToo movement took off on social media that I saw the staggering volume of women who, like me, had been assaulted in one way or another and that I began to realize it wasn’t my fault. And if anyone else told me that same story, I would treat them with empathy and see them as a strong survivor. My mental health was damaged, but I was not broken. And my scars could be the doorway to healing, growth, and help for someone else being triggered by current events.
For every 1,000 rapes,994 perpetrators will go free. Two-thirds of people who are raped or sexually assaulted don’t report it.
Karen Baker, CEO of the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape, says the movement has “made it possible for people to talk about it. It’s giving us a language. The words we use don’t usually resonate. The word ‘rape’ is such an off-putting word and a small piece of the problem.”
A nursing instructor in Dillsburg, Whitney Whitescarver Nevins shares, “I suffered so much sexual violence and harassment from age 4 and all the way into adulthood that I had an entirely skewed view of what was okay and what wasn’t. Being sexually objectified just felt normal to me and didn’t seem offensive at all. When you’re objectified for as long as you can remember and labeled the easy target by the boys, it becomes your identity. You believe that’s who you are and what you deserve.”
“Reading the stories other women shared in the #MeToo movement made me realize that it wasn’t just the times I was raped that were violence against me. The times I got grabbed as he walked by, the time I was told by my prom date that he’d heard from all the boys that he should expect sex because I’m a slut, the times I thought I was going on a date with a boy who liked me but was told to put out if I wanted a ride home...those were all violence too,” she continues.
Wendy Gaunt, lead clinician at the Sexual Assault Prevention and Counseling Center at the YWCA in Lancaster, says, “We use the phrase ‘sexual violence’ because it is not as black and white as people may think. Sexual violence and sexual assault look like a lot of different things. Stereotypes, cat calls, sexist jokes…the stuff on the lower end perpetuates and becomes the extreme end…abuse, assault, rape.”
The unjust ways women are treated are a global, systemic cultural problem.
As the days, weeks, and months continued in the aftermath of the social media storm where almost every woman we knew posted #MeToo and perhaps shared her story, more stories unfurled. Public figures, even some we liked, were accused. Sexual predators are usually likable people, Gaunt explains.
A Movement in Motion
The physics of the #MeToo movement continues in motion. 2018 has been an explosive year, giving voice to a topic that has long been hushed.
A little over a year ago, on October 15th, Alyssa Milano shared a post that said, “If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me Too’ as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem,” and she tweeted, “If you’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted write ‘me too’ as a reply to this tweet.”
The hashtag was tweeted nearly a million times in 48 hours according to Twitter. More than 12 million posts, comments, and reactions showed up on Facebook in 24 hours. Facebook said almost half of its 214 million users in the US have had friends who posted “me too.”
As a male friend shared with Baker, he had always heard the statistic “one in four,” but this movement really brought into perspective just how many people have been affected by sexual harassment, abuse, and rape.
As sexual abuse survivor Meghan McClane of Lancaster puts it, “the hashtag should be more like #whointheactualhellhasntbeen?”
The hashtag actually was created in 2007 by youth activist Tarana Burke to let other sex abuse survivors know they are not alone.
Since the movement took off last October, we’ve seen doctor Larry Nassar sentenced to 60 years in federal prison for abuse of Olympic athletes. America was shocked by the allegations against Matt Lauer and Garrison Keillor. Mario Batali for “typical” restaurant behavior; Al Franken for groping he condoned as “normal.” The “Silence Breakers” of the Harvey Weinstein scandal. In January, more than 300 Hollywood women decided “Time’s Up,” beginning the anti-harassment campaign. Bill Cosby was sentenced to three to 10 years in prison in late September for his sexual crimes, and around the same time CBS chief Les Moonves went down.
In Central PA, one local television station faces sexual harassment accusations over which employees have quit. The Catholic church scandal of cover-ups and decades of molestation was unearthed over late summer. But with the case that involved young boys, some coming out after 30 years, public perception was that the victims were to be believed, justice should be served.
Meanwhile, a tweet by a sitting president accused of at least 19 cases of sexual misconduc—alluding that Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s allegations of sexual violence by Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh were not credible because she never spoke up or pressed charges—caused a firestorm on social media with the hashtag #WhyIDidntReport. For every 1,000 rapes, 994 perpetrators will go free, reports RAINN. According to the federal government’s own estimates, two-thirds of people who are raped or sexually assaulted don’t report it. Spread by a #BelieveSurvivors hashtag, a national walk out quickly followed Trump’s tweet on September 24, as women walked out of their workplaces or homes wearing black, standing in solidarity with survivors. And the year is not over yet.
The Downside to the Uptick in Conversation
Every month of 2018 has been constant with allegations brought forth, convictions, violators admitting fault, and big players toppling from positions of power.
For those who have suffered sexual assault, this constant news and discussion around the topic can be triggering. A cat call causing a panic attack. Objectifying talk by men causing distress. “We are noticing an increase of reports of trauma symptoms since #MeToo, in that it is more inescapable and constantly present, [and] therefore more readily triggering,” states Gaunt. “Sexual violence is being discussed with much more regularity, so victim/survivors may find themselves exposed to conversations in a way that they weren’t previously.”
“We know that there is no typical response to trauma, so it can look lots of different ways,” says Gaunt.
Gaunt explains, “The immediate response is fight, flight, or freeze.” The most prominent response is to freeze to protect ourselves, like how opossums play dead, she says. “There are different types of intervention, like cognitive behavioral therapy, that help restructure thoughts.” A new offering from the YWCA is its Trauma Process Yoga Group, which helps get the body involved to rewrite the response of shame. She explains that some women struggle with thinking, “I didn’t fight back,” when in fact “your body did exactly what it’s supposed to do.” The Y is also looking to develop a similar program for veterans with trauma.
Healing and self care after sexual assault: It’s not a linear path, but here are some techniques from medium.com to try if the constant news cycle is triggering you.
- Movement: Yoga, dance, running, hiking, walking, paddle boarding, martial arts, biking.
- “Gentle” Mindfulness: Meditation, breathing exercises, listening to mindfulness podcasts, soothing music.
- “Active” Mindfulness: Coloring, making art/crafting, re-organizing your home, cooking a meal.
- Experiential: Floatation tanks, acupuncture, massage, reiki, baths with essential oils, exploring intimacy, going to see music/stand-up comedy/theater/museums, planning a trip.
- Fundamental: Sleeping routine; eating in a way that energizes your body and supports your digestive system; taking time for baths/showers; visiting your dentist, doctor, or psychotherapist; being consistent with medications and supplements.
- You Choose: Whatever it is that fuels, rejuvenates, motivates, nourishes and “makes you feel most like yourself.”
With all the attention on the subject, Baker says, “Overall I think it’s a good thing so many people are finding their voice; it’s got to help.”
Gaunt agrees. “#MeToo attached very familiar faces to [the issue]. Having that social prevalence is making it easier for people to seek counseling.” She continues, “There is also an increase in exploration of betrayal following #MeToo, as beloved and respected public figures are called into question and examined. We have also encountered a deep exploration of the concept of consent—and what we are socialized to accept as ‘normal’ in regards to sexual experiences.”
Turning the Problem Around
In addition to men claiming false victimhood and a culture of disbelief solidified by the recent Supreme Court confirmation, a movement about speaking up for all women has become politicized, even by women. “I get really disappointed when women don’t support other women,” Baker says. “If you’re shaming other women, you’re part of the problem. Generally, there’s not a great payoff [in coming out]; it’s more of a penality.” Some women—even some who have been raped—don’t side with the movement.
A former military woman in her mid 30s, Karli Daigle shares, “I actually don’t find the #MeToo movement as positive as others. I can count hundreds of instances where I have been objectified, harassed, or the like, but I think many (not all) have turned it into either a scapegoat for regrets and false accusations or a way to man-bash. I have a hell of a good husband who treats women the way they are supposed to, and men like him are now living in the fear of a woman making an accusation and being assumed guilty without due process. Women are sexual predators too; maybe not as great as men, but they also use sexual behavior as a means to an end and the #MeToo movement removes women as an active player and only as a victim. I truly believe the men accused may have been totally wrong, but I can’t help but wonder how many cases did the woman manipulate them or knowingly allow it for career progression or whatever reason.” She continues, “I fought in 2007 and took the drill sergeant who raped me to trial. He got three years for indecent behavior and adultery (against military law) and not rape, because back then it wasn’t rape unless you were in fear of your life. The guy got out after a year in prison. I still have PTS issues and had to leave the military,” she recounts. “Doing/seeing a #MeToo hashtag does not make me feel better because I already knew I wasn’t alone,” she says, citing rampant problems in the military. Daigle continues, “A hashtag without action may bring awareness, but unless laws change and both sides are held accountable for their roles in the behavior, I cannot fully support it. The main reason I came forward was because my little sister was going through basic training at the same time and place. I didn’t want anything happening to her.”
Whitescarver Nevins agrees, “Using this [movement] as a means to man-bash or self-victimize is a poor application of a movement meant to bring awareness and solidarity. Men aren’t the enemy. Toxic masculinity and rape culture are to blame. Those problems don't just create an unhealthy sexual culture for women, but rather, they hurt everyone.”
Gaunt continues, “It goes back to how culturally ingrained it is that women are the property of men and we should be silent. The oppression is always present and so accepted that many may not even recognize it as violence at first.”
“If we’re going to turn around this problem of sexual assault, there are three things we need to look at,” Baker says:
1. Believing and supporting victims.
2. Holding offenders accountable. She adds, they don’t all have to be jailed or fired. But calling out offenses and working to change behavior is one way.
3. Changing our culture that encourages this behavior. Coaches and our military have a big influence. Any language that puts women down such as “don’t run like a girl” she says, all plays a part. Coaches can find more resources at: coachescorner.org. Parents can do simple acts like point out healthy relationships displayed when watching TV together, and find more resources to talk to kids and teens at nsvrc.org. Faith leaders can start by training staff and volunteers to model healthy behavior and boundaries with adults and children; organize educational programs on healthy masculinity; and create victim-centered policy around safe ways for people who commit sexual harm to remain a part of your congregation (according to nsvrc.org).
“The good news is every sector and industry can help turn this around,” states Baker. “Everybody has a role to play.”
Education and Prevention
Gaunt explains one of the roles the YWCA plays is “working with the community on sexual harassment training and helping to revamp policies. We have some wonderful businesses committed to zero tolerance of sexual harassment in the workplace.”
The YWCA helps people understand what sexual harassment is, its intention and impact, how to create a safe and respectful environment, and how to intervene when you see something.
People who commit sexual violence often test individuals they may offend against by making them uncomfortable and watching how they behave. They may intrude on their physical space to find out if the individual will defend their physical boundaries or not. This is known as challenging their boundaries.
“Allowing each person to have a unique response is the most important thing,” Gaunt adds.
Another tool the YWCA provides to the community is primary prevention education to schools. Today’s prevention methods focus on “making sure every child is educated on body safety,” explains Gaunt. For example, “If a child knows the appropriate language for body parts, perpetrators are often deterred.” They also teach how to “trust the feeling when something is not right” (belly hurting, getting tense, or sweating) even if they are not able to articulate. She says it’s important to talk to kids about “safe and unsafe touches” and children giving consent on everything as small as a high five or a hug. In fact, 90-95 percent of molestations happen with someone a child knows. “We tell kiddos if you tell a trusted adult and they don’t believe you, tell another and another. Somebody is going to hear your truth.”
Moving Forward
Young girls today are speaking up and marching alongside their mothers, aunts, sisters, and friends, empowered in a way women have not yet experienced.
“Before the #MeToo movement, much of what I experienced felt chalked up to being a woman. It was expected; it was part of life in such an ingrained way that I had no expectation of it not happening,” explains Kelley Gibson of York. “Looking back through the #MeToo lens made me realize how much our society and behavior not only condoned sexual harassment, but made it feel like it was just part of growing up a woman,” Gibson continues. “And it did cause me to have to face past assaults that I had sugar-coated as bad dates or bad decisions for what they were—assaults. The other amazing realization through this movement is that I can now see a future where my 10-year-old and 8-year-old daughters won’t have that thinking…won’t feel that these traumas are part of being a woman. [They] won’t have any hesitation to call it out and speak up.”
“I hope parents start telling their sons and daughters that they are treasures as human beings and belong only to themselves,” states Whitescarver Nevins. “Saying [to boys], ‘I think your heart is bigger than that. And I understand why you’re afraid to let people see it.’ That changes everything.”
“We want to rewrite the script,” says Gaunt. “The #MeToo movement is a part of that, taking the stigma away from oppression. We begin to address that by having the conversation.”
“The #MeToo movement completely changed the way I see myself,” says Whitescarver Nevins. “Reading how traumatic these stories were for other women made me see how they weren’t acceptable for myself. Seeing the outrage of other women at being treated as objects who were valued for their sexual attractiveness made me begin to fully understand that I’m worth more than that and deserve to be regarded as such. So to every woman who doubted herself before she shared her story, thinking others had it worse or that it wasn’t that bad, but courageously spoke out anyway, by taking a stand for yourself, you took a stand for us all, and you changed our lives in ways that will likely remain unseen. For every person who felt personally touched or triggered by your story, thank you.” She continues, “It is important that we cultivate both solidarity in what we’ve experienced in the past and hope for the future if we want this movement to be empowering and healing in the present.”
What is a healthy way to respond?
1. Say to victim/survivor, “I hear you and I believe you.” Gaunt explains, “It takes a lot of strength and courage to come forward. Often the perpetrator says, ‘nobody’s going to believe you’ or there’s some threat.”
2. “Let them share in their own time. Victims and survivors have so much of their power taken away. Ask them what they want to do, offer options. But don’t re-traumatize them by saying, ‘You need to go to the police.’”
3. If someone shares online, thank survivors for sharing their stories in the comments.
4. Respond to victim-blaming, rape jokes, or other problematic comments with a response like, “Sexual assault is never the survivor’s fault.”
5. Refocus accountability on the individual(s) who committed sexual abuse.
A Supportive Male Culture
One Lancaster man suggested starting a hashtag “not that guy” because, like many men, he felt helpless and sad seeing so many women he knew had been sexually violated and wanted people to know not all men are bad.
Sure, a lot of men are worried about their bad choices in college coming out to haunt them. But that’s not all this movement is about.
For Boomer aged men and older who were raised in homes and had relationships where women may have been treated as silent possessions, and who grew up in careers where it was accepted to talk of and treat women disrespectfully, rapid change and zero tolerance like the extinction burst we’re seeing in today’s culture is startling.
“It’s natural [for men] to feel defensiveness and embarrassment,” Baker explains.
“When boys are taught to ‘be a man’ and detach from their hearts/sensitivity from a very early age, and then are encouraged to see women as objects and sex as a trophy to prove their masculinity, it’s the perfect setup to breed violence against women,” says Whitescarver Nevins. “It’s brainwashing and indoctrination. And women bought into this too for a really long time.”
Tips for men to be a part of the solution:
- Ask yourself, “How are you treating the women in your life?”
- What conversations are you having with your male friends? If someone brings up an instance of harassment, instead of “What about his career?” How about, “Have you thought about what that was like for the woman?”
- Try the response: “I’m sorry this happened to you.” Or simply saying, “I get it.” Or, “I’m starting to get it.” Or even, “I want to get it.”
- Join a group that is dedicated to preventing sexual violence, such as Men Against Violence, or volunteer at a local rape crisis center.
- Sexual violence: is a violation of a boundary or an unwanted behavior ranging from gestures and verbal harassment to rape. Respecting even the smallest of boundaries is a step toward preventing sexual violence.
