When you think of an abusive relationship what do you think of…physical violence, black eyes, broken bones? Perhaps you’re envisioning an out of control partner in a fit of rage, or police responding to a domestic dispute. While all these examples may apply, they provide a very limited representation of the reality of domestic violence. Yes, abusive relationships can erupt into physical violence, but far more often it’s more elusive and insidious.
Domestic violence is a chosen pattern of hurtful behavior used to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is a choice; people abuse their partners because they believe they have a right to control them. Domestic violence is not an out of control partner; in fact control is at the core of what motivates them. An abuser uses a variety of tactics including physical violence, emotional abuse, isolation, financial control, and sexual abuse in order to gain power and control in a relationship.
Assess your relationship by answering the following questions:
- Do you find yourself apologizing for your partner’s behavior when they treated you badly?
- Afraid to disagree with your partner?
- Have you been wrongly and repeatedly accused of flirting or having sex with others?
- Are you forced to justify everything you do, every place you go and every person you see to avoid his/her temper?
- Does your partner text or call you constantly wanting to know where you are, who you’re with and what you’re doing?
- Have you become secretive, ashamed or hostile to your family because of this relationship?
- Are you unable to go out, get a job or go to school without his/her permission?
- Have you been hit, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you?
- Does your partner put you down by name-calling and humiliation?
- Has your partner destroyed your property, threatened to kill your pets or harm themselves?
If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions or know someone who is in a relationship like this, please take it seriously. You are not to blame and you are not alone. To speak to an advocate, please call ACCESS York at 717-846-5400 or 1-800-262-8444. ACCESS York can provide options, consultations and answers to your questions. All calls are confidential and free.
In a healthy relationship there is no room for abusive behaviors, everyone has the right to have a healthy, safe relationship. You have the right to…
-Be treated with respect.
-Live without fear of abuse.
-Not be perfect.
-Constructively express your feelings and opinions.
-Fulfill your own needs.
-Reject stereotypes and set your own standards.
-Participate in decision making, to change your mind, and to say no or disagree.
-Privacy and time alone.
-Maintain old friendships and make new ones.
-Leave at any time for any reason.
Be the change in your community! Have you or someone you know been effected by domestic violence? Here are ways you can help others:
- Become a volunteer. Your talents can be a gift to someone in crisis. If interested in volunteering, please call Joan Taylor at 717-845-2631.
- Donate to a domestic violence program. There is a year round need of supplies at domestic violence shelters. Many victims escape the violence of their relationships with nothing, but the clothes on their backs. By donating you can make a difference in a family’s healing. Please contact ACCESS York, at 717-846-5400 for a list of donation needs.
- Advocate for survivors politically. Click here to sign an e-petition supporting Senate Bill 1182 which strengthens protections for domestic violence victims by keeping firearms out of the hands of convicted domestic violence offenders and defendants subject to an active Protection from Abuse Order (PFA).
